Goodbye.

This will be number 453 issue and almost five years of Pickle and Pearl. I can't comprehend how it has gone on so long. Now that they have returned to their home planet of Ascalonia and now that I am rapidly approaching my ninetieth birthday (Well, in under two and half years) I will take this opportunity of saying goodbye on behalf of Pickle and Pearl who couldn't care less. Maybe someday the story of how they started may be told but for now, goodbye and thank you both for your continued support and faithful following.

On the poop deck!

When Pickle and Pearl first moved in to this rented house they were fascinated by the strange artifacts on display. For instance, the nautical shelf with the model of H.M.S. Victory, Admiral Nelson's flagship. I suggested he pose for a picture but he objected to the first one I took (shown above) so I had to take a second, which is shown 9th Feb. 2009. His objection to the one shown here is that he would rather be an observer than a captain on the poop deck, he didn't much care for poop anyway.

If music be the food of love....

The paintings of Marc Chagall are well known and famous. Which came first, the Broadway show "Fiddler On the Roof" or the painting of the fiddler on the roof. Maybe it would become clear on Wikipedia but my copy of the picture given to me by a very close friend was the impetus for Pickle to want to be included. However, he objected to the picture above as he didn't seem to be participating as fully as he would like, so I published the pic.shown on 5 Feb. 2009 where he liked to swing back and forth with the music?

Patronize your local LIbrary.

Looking back is an adventure for an old man like me, says the former 'guide' to Pickle and Pearl and it behooves me to correct some of the previous errors. So, when Pickle objected to this pic. as being too remote from the action I, the 'guide' had no choice but to oblige. So, I published the pic. on 19 March 2009 which no doubt represented a truer position of the situation. Whatever.

Unicorn again

For once, I, (the former guide of Pickle and Pearl), found an old picture of them that slipped past Pickle's eagle eye and it is my turn to gloat. Not that it is very satisfactory as Pickle has long gone home (unless he is still monitoring my issues). The original pic. of 26 Jan. 2009 showed P. and P. sitting on the head of my favourite unicorn BUT, they are sitting on the reflection of the unicorn, but where are they. Actually, the pic. above is what I should have published. Mea Culpa!

Hawaiiya

Pickle objected to not being part of the Polysar Glee Club's annual show so I had to change it to the one in the issue of 30 March 2009 The pic. included in this issue is the original that P. objected to. (I think Pickle was in the audience but I didn't see him clapping). I was on the stage in a colourful shirt and shorts singing "Ta-hu-wa-hu-wa-hu-wai", an Hawaiian war chant aided by a bevy of hula girls (complete with moustaches etc.). This was before my "Fiddler on the Roof" days where I wore a full beard as I do today. I found it was easier than having to shave and my wives didn't mind, as a matter of fact... but that's another story!

Witches and what all?

In a few days, kiddiewinks, it will be hallowe'en and this reminded me of another hallowe'en two years ago. The picture I wanted to issue is the one shown above but Pickle objected and said that as he was not a ghostie or a ghoulie he did not want to be associated with the practice but as he was a kiddiewinkie lover he had no objection to being an onlooker. This is what you will see if you look up the 30th October 2008.

Bobbles and beads.

Barbados, one of the writers favourite places in the world. Paris is another and, of course, England. However this photograph was objected to by Pickle as being unflattering to him. The little girl was not impressed by Pickle and Pearl and there may have been some little confusion in the girls mind about the ornaments in her hair and Pickle and Pearl flying about in front of her.He took umbrage and I had to publish the pic. as seen on 15 Sept 2008.

You can't keep a good camel down

I am displaying a picture from the past that Pickle objected to as follows, "When we posed on the cart, table or whatever, we looked like easy prey for a meal for a camel. I know we could have flown away but it is not easy to fly when you are held tight in the jaws of a hungry camel. Even if he didn't like the taste of us, we might have been somewhat disfigured by the time he spit us out, and have you seen the look on the face of a camel after he has crunched an onion?". The substitute picture was shown on 30 June 2008.

Mars? Phooey.

When Pickle saw the picture I had chosen for 27 March 2008 he was appalled. You thought I had a free hand didn't you? No, I was overlooked by Pickle whose sense of self was very egotistical. Now that he has gone I can publish the original which I thought was a better representation of what his visit was all about. Stone-faced. What he didn't like was the proximity of his presence to an imaginary carving of a creature from Mars. "Not a bit like them" said Pickle.

Alexandre Gustave who?

This is a repeat of the picture of the 6th of March 2008. Pickle, for once, did not object to the picture. He thought it was rather tasteful and artistic(?), but he did object to the story that went with it. He felt that the "Petite mouche" drew attention away from him (he was so egotistical), so this accompanying script will bear no mention to the "Little Fly" so that Pickle will not be offended. I'm sure he must be getting it on his laptop. If he is, and he does not like it I'm sure he will let me know.

A Load of Bull

Another flop from 10 April 2008. Pickle objected to the picture above as being too much as though he was in a pickle jar about to be skewered by a pickle fork. "That bull is moving fast, I don't know if I could fly out of his way, please move me just in case". So, anything to keep the peace, I did, although it is, as the title suggests....

School days?

"We (meaning I) Pickle did not like the issue of 14 May 2007, as it conjured up a picture of us being school children in your strange and at times stupid school system". This sentiment was passed to me too late to stop the story being published in the annals. (No, I'm right, it shouldn't be anals). So, to set matters right here is the picture that should have been posted over three years ago for the satisfaction of Pickle and Pearl. If they have computers on Ascalonia I hope they can see this and be content. I see no reason why they can't send me a message.

Let us go back to that famous Grandma Batty's Yorkshire Pudding house in York, Yorkshire, England where Pickle objected to being associated with Yorkshire Puddings. This picture he thought too closely linked them with the product and as he said "I am not a Yorkshire Pudding". I said, "you should honoured to be linked with this gloriest of 'Chieftain of the Pudding Race'". Pickle was adamant (not the rock star) and insisted on a more subdued representation of their worth. (11th February 2008)

Newcastle Brown?

No matter how much I (the 'guide;) denied being the bartender in the picture Pickle wanted to know where he was. This is the picture that I wanted to issue on 15 May 2008 which was vetoed by Pickle in a conversation which went like this.
Said Pickle "Where am I". Said I, "You are sitting at a table waiting for a glass of foam".
Said Pickle, "No way, I want to be in the picture, how am I to be recognized as a world celebrity if you don'r feature me in your picture?". I said, "Do you want to be portayed as a lush?"
Pickle said, "lush, shmush, who cares?"

Lapsang Souchong anyone?

How about a nice 'cuppa'. Where would you go for one? How about Rome because that is where this picture was taken. Rome being a visitor friendly city caters for tourists from England by offering a cozy tearoom. Now this original picture, chosen by the 'guide', was vetoed by Pickle as being too goggle-eyed. Do you know what he means?

Stool-pigeon?

What an ego. Pickle I mean. This is the picture I wanted to issue on 21 August 2008 but Pickle thought he looked like a pigeon perching on the head of a statue on Easter Island. His comment was "I look like a stool pigeon!". So, of course, I (the 'guide') had to change the picture to the one on the date aforementioned. This was during the period of the fact-finding mission on Earth's defences so I (the 'guide') could not object to the sentiments expressed, but come to think of it, he was a stool-pigeon!

The Mill Red!

"O, O, I think not", said Pickle when he saw the original of the issue 03 March 2008. If you, my faithful reader, remember, Pickle was on a fact finding mission to check the Earth's defences. What he found in Paris was a movie depicting a war (as he thought) between Man and the Monkeys. He insisted on being phoggytogged near the title of the 'documentary?', "La Bataille De La Planete Des Singes" to emphasize the strangeness of the human race.
I repeat, "to emphasize the...... Oh. what the heck, you already know that!

Mob rule?

Why am I showing you this picture, and can you even see Pickle and Pearl among the mob in Napoli in Italy? This is the picture that was vetoed by Pickle because he was too insignificant in it. He felt that with his world-wide importance he should have a more prominent part in the doings. I, (the 'guide') being a real softie issued the picture of 24 March, 2008 to pander to Pickle's ego because wherever 'e go, I go.

Train spotting again.

Many moons ago, when "Heartbeat", the Yorkshire television show was young, this train and others like it, plied it's trade back and forth along a thirty mile stretch of track, run by volunteers, stopping briefly at Goathland where excited travelers and sightseers could alight and watch the antics of the TV crews filming the latest episode in the goings on of Aidensfield coppers.
I (the 'guide) asked P. & P. to pose on the train as in the picture. Pickle vetoed it and said, following the example of the airman with 30 plus missions over Germany under his belt who was flying in a Lancaster bomber low flying at night over a lake in the lake district in the movie "The Dam Busters", said "This is bloody dangerous!". So it was that I had to change the pic. for the one shown on 29 Nov. 2007.

Doctor whozit..

"What am I doing on these concrete things" asked Pickle. "Ah!" said I (the 'guide') "I forgot you are from Ascalonia and would not be familiar with the Doctor". "Who?" asked Pickle "Yes" said I "and these reminded me of the Daleks so I took the picture for amusement". "We are not amused" said Pickle. "Oh! Did you meet Queen Victoria?". "I mean Pearl and I" said Pickle, "Then I will not show this picture at this time, I will substitue one with the Vitalonions in (see 10/9/2007) and see how you like it".

Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum

Apart from one leg being shorter than the other and the opposite arm being longer than the other arm, Pickle objected to this original picture that I (the 'guide') wanted to publish because he thought he looked liked the parrot on Long John Silver's shoulder even though there is no crutch in evidence. The picture that Pickle found satisfactory can be seen on the 6 Aug. 2007, and that's a long time ago!

TipToe

Now that the heat of Summer has arrived and the tulips have all melted it is time to remind you of another Tulip Festival when Pickle and Pearl were here. This picture is one that Pickle would not let me use because (as he said) "Where are we". I saw my misteak right away, I had put him among the yellow tulips and his deadly rivals among the reds. I obligingly switched the pic. for the one you saw on 21 May 2007 and everyone was satisfied?

By The Fireside.

On such small things are objections made. This picture is the one I wanted to issue on 18 January 2007 which was objected to by both Pickle and Pearl who insisted that if I was going to publish a cozy stay-at-home picture I should include the whole family. I should have issued this picture as I felt that I was featured more equally with P. & P.but P. thought that a family would draw more attention to readers. So now I get my way and show off a bit.

Tiggers don't eat onions!

For all my readers who live in or around Stittsville the picture in this issue was proposed for the 4 Jan. 2007 issue when the shopping centre on the other side of Hazeldean Road was only a dream. Pickle objected to the original picture (above) on the grounds that he in no way resembles a tiger, or wants to. He was concerned about Tiggers eating onions but the whole story can be read in the above mentioned issue of 4 Jan.

There he is again!

Hello my faithful readers, I will take you both on a nostalgic trip down memory lane and if you know what I am talking about you are a better man than I am, Gunga Din (from the movie of the same name). I (the former 'guide') was young once and in India and Pickle objected to this picture as he said he was never there. Well, yes, he was and he wasn't. He could de-materialise with such alacrity that "Now you see him, now you don't applies". See September 4th 2006. So now you see him.

Let's be friends!

In the early days of Pickle and Pearl, before they were accepted as celebrities there was a movement of malcontents to have them expelled from Earth and return to their native planet. The picture above, (decided upon by the'guide') was the one to be used to pacify the protesters and create a season of goodwill.
Pickle was furious and objected which is why the picture was changed to the one you can see on June the eighth 2006. If you have the time, energy or interest you will see it if you scroll back to that date.

Eric's Table.

Do you, dear readers, both of you, remember when Pickle and Pearl visited the well-known singer/songwriter, Eric Benson from Campbell River in B.C.? I hope you are playing his "Writings of Holy Men" as often as you can, (I have mentioned it before). The picture I am showing today of a table top, designed and made by Eric with overlays and inlays for his lady friend Eileen, which was vetoed by Pickle originally on the grounds of whatever Pickle thought was detrimental to his image. Talk about mental! Anyway, here it is for your perusal and enjoyment.

What's a leek anyway?

I had forgotten the dangers involved for Pickle and Pearl when this housewife was mixing a bowlful of a, what? Pickle originally did not want this picture to be shown as it was too close to what looked like a making of French onion soup in spite of the original title of "French leek soup". As Pickle and Pearl were newcomers to this Planet and had not yet achieved the popularity which they would soon receive I told them to "cool it" (to use an Americanism) and issued it anyway. Since I became their 'guide' I decided to tell you of their misgivings and 'publish be damned!'

It's another ego trip!

Hello again, another week has passed and the picture that Pickle objected to of the spaceship flying back to Stittsville after their stay in British Columbia did not suit at all. As Pickle said "Who wants to look at a crumby old spaceship when they can look at me?". This was, at the time, a rhetorical question but in honour of their stay and departure I have re-issued the famous picture of the ship flying over the river between Vancouver Island and the mainland with this one. I'm sure Pickle would approve.

Beauty is only skin deep

This beautiful picture of a beautiful lady was vetoed by (none other than herself) Pearl who thought that the lady in the the picture was more beautiful than herself. Of course, when you think about it (go on, think about it) it is true. The lady in the picture IS more beautiful than Pearl, who, let's face it, is after all just an onion, however refined, intelligent and learned and multi-lingual can not hold a candle, but what do I know I am just a human after all.

It's talking cats and dogs!

Pickle definitely did not want this item included in the saga of his adventures. His comment was "This is ridiculous, who ever heard dogs and a cat talk?". I (the 'guide') answered "I like this picture because the talking is all my idea and I am proud of it". "I repeat", said Pickle "Who ever heard cats and dogs talking?". And I said "Ah, yes and who ever heard onions talking?".

A promotion?

This is a picture from the past that I (the 'guide') vetoed. I don't think Pickle and Pearl even saw it. After having produced it I decided that Pickle had too inflated an ego to see himself perched on top of the rack of plates which is a speciality in the Algarve region of Portugal. Now that they have returned to their native planet I have no hesitation in publishing this highly complimentary picture as way of a tribute. The original was posted on 18th April 2008, two years ago.

We all scream.....

Pickle didn't like this issue, he said it was undignified for an Ascalonion to sit on a blob of ice cream as well as being uncomfortable. He also objected to sharing the limelight with a relative of his 'guide'. The lady on the left is his mother. She was manageress of an ice cream parlour on Linthorpe Road, Middlesbrough, Yorkshire. A side note for those of you who were into the weird rock music of the fifties. If you remember the rock star Chris Rhea of a few albums, this ice cream parlour was owned by Chris Rhea's father, and that is the closest I ever came to rock (and roll?)

Well, I like it!

This was an old entry that I (the 'guide') had to reject because Pickle was disappointed that not enough people were looking at him.
The scene of course is from "Fiddler on the Roof" where Yente the Matchmaker is talking to Avram, the bookseller (me) and saying "Avram, have I got a match for your son" and Avram says "Who is it?" and Yente says "It's Ruchel, the shoe makers daughter" and Avram says "Ruchel? She's almost blind, she can hardly see", and Yente says, "The way he looks and the way she sees, it's a perfect match" and the chorus continues with another verse of "Tradition".

It's a drag.

I almost forgot it was Pickle and Pearl night. With them having gone back to Ascalonia and taken the rap-scallions with them presumably to further their education I feel that I must keep their memory alive with pictures they didn't want you to see.
I 'ferreted' out this one to let you see the effect they had on other creatures but as Pickle said at the time, "A ferret driving a sports car? I'm glad we can fly and not have to ride in the rumble seat". "What's a rumble?" asked Pearl, "You know" said Pickle, "You've heard them in those teen movies such as "West Side Story" let's rumble".
"Oh" said Pearl.

Desert Ship.

This issue was originally vetoed by Pearl who said that camels can't sing. Pearl asked Pickle if that was him singing and Pickle answered No I thought it was you. Not me said Pearl, you know I can't carry a tune in a bucket. Then continued Pearl there must be a couple of Americans riding on a camel doing it. I don't think so said Pickle the song is in Arabic. Can you translate said Pearl, you know I can, I am familiar with all the 2,700 or so languages. Well, said Pearl, elucidate. What we have here said Pickle is the lead camel singing in Arabic a well known song and the words are "We're off on the Road to Morocco, etc." from the movie of the same name.

Take a break

Another 'Lost by the wayside' item for Pickle and Pearl. When I (the former 'guide') discovered in Richmond on Perth Street a wonderful haven of rest called "Not Too Latte", the final 'e' being 'acute', described as a 'coffee-house - bistro', what a fortunate discovery it was. Apart from a delicious coffee I got the best roast beef sandwich I have ever tasted. I had to go back and record this delightful oasis in the middle of a quiet village (Town?). It is located next to a "Curves" establishment so the ladies can pop in for a coffee and a scone from the beautiful and welcoming owner, Jessie, after losing some pounds. I think I know why Pickle was not too enthusiastic about having it published. I did not detect any 'French Onion Soup' on the menu, but what do I know'

Sunny Days

I (the 'guide' who no longer is) wanted, in days gone by, to issue this delectable picture of my second wife on a beach in Barbados (this would have been another in the Barbados series some time ago) but Pearl objected. Her complaint was that the lady in question was more beautiful that she was and that would draw attention away from her and on to Pauline. Now I am able to publish this picture because Pearl has returned to her native planet and Pauline has gone to wherever Pauline's go after life has departed.

Curly, Larry and Moe?

Another oldie but goodie. Here are the three siblings, known as Alan, Sylvia and Wol, from left to right. As this picture was taken some years ago by George, my sister's husband, on one of my (the 'guides') trips to England the ages I give you are only approximate because I can't remember what year it was, plus, at my age I'm not sure what year this is! All I know is that when I went to renew my road tax I was sent to get my emissions tested. I asked which doctor and they said, no, the car, so I said 'Ah! a witch doctor. Alan, my kid brother, would be about 61, my sister, 69 and I, 76. This was about ten years ago. Do the arithmetic.

Plant a radish

What have we here? An old picture of my (the former 'guide') young brother setting plants in pots in his greenhouse. Pickle objected to it originally because his inquiry "are those leeks" was given a negative response. They were petunias as Alan sang, he can you know, "You're a lonely little petunia in an onion patch" etc. Pickles "off" was "ended". and he vetoed the issue, but here it is in all its glory.

Growing old gracefully

Before Pickle and Pearl departed for their home planet of Ascalonia they thought of the many functions they would have to leave undone but one they could not miss was the eightieth birthday bash of the sister of their 'guide'. A luncheon had been arranged with friends from the choir and a sister-in law as a celebration of the occasion and P.& P. wished to say congratulations and goodbye. The birthday girl is in the forefront on the left and for you ladies among the readers the hair is natural and has had no artificial colouring matter added.

Captain James Cook

Hello faithful readers, Pickle thought that this offering was not to be included in his 'adventures' so I (the former 'guide') had to wait until his departure to publish it, I hope you both enjoy it. (WYSIWYG) What you see is what you get, Behind the English beauty (more in a future issue) you will see a museum devoted to the famous and well-known local lad, Captain James Cook, explorer extraordinare. When I say local lad the museum is located in Stewart's Park in Middlesbrough, Yorkshire where I grew up and I bet he talked Tees-side like what I done.

Olympic Torch

The former ('Guide' to Pickle and Pearl), reluctant to let go of his friends and hoping for 'many happy returns' will keep the candle burning in the window by issuing some of the ones that were never used at P. & P.'s request or some that were and are worth repeating. If my readers both don't agree a different approach will be made and I'll come at it from a different angle, obtuse no doubt.
Today, as it is only hours before the start of the Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver I thought I would re-cap the meeting of Eric Benson, well known singer/songwriter in Campbell River B.C, whose song "Writings of Holy Men" you are no doubt playing incessantly, on the occasion of his meeting with the Olympic torch bearer.

Retrospect

Now that Pickle and Pearl have returned to their native planet it is up to me (the former 'guide', who from now shall be nameless) to keep their memory alive and to this end I will be offering items which were never used during their stay here on Earth. I may even issue some of the previous items which I deem to be turning points in their stay, getting a house, buying ice cream, visiting strange lands and so on. I will, of course, from time to time, during the writing of this rubbish, be re-filling my glass with Scottish wine in order to keep the creative juices flowing.

Friends forever

Now that Pickle and Pearl and family have returned to their native planet their last words to me were to say 'goodbye' to all their friends. They were especially worried that they had not time to see Eric Benson and the Urban Legend band in Campbell River B.C. and say goodbye but they did tell me to urge the readers to continue to play Eric's songs on "Living With War Today', Neil Young's web site. Play Eric's "Writings of Holy Men" as many times as you can. Eric has added four more songs to the list which gives you all a few more to hear. I (the former 'guide') ls most fond of "Just One More Time" and my late wife, Anne, liked "Beneath the Streetlight". Find your own favourites.

Will ye no come back again?

Pickle and Pearl and the Rap-Scallions have said their goodbyes and handed back the house to me. I (the 'guide') will be sorry to see them go, their travels have kept me amused from the start even though their mission was fruitless and Leekless. They will have much to share with their Masters in Ascalonia, who knows, after sifting through all the information about Earth's defences, they may decide to invade, but I doubt it. They shall not be forgotten - this chronicler will re-cap some of their earlier exploits with new commentary and keep them alive for a little while, so keep watching but only once weakly, sorry, weekly, on Friday
LITTLE FLY with all your swank/ You know you've only me to thank/ From now you'll need another friend/ Because, my friend, this is the end.

Orders is orders.

I (the 'guide') see that Pickle and Pearl have taken to their spaceship and my shortwave radio tells me that they are communicating with their home planet. Copying the transmission gives me "hdusbrmb .. jdusye... but of course, I must let the Universal Translator give you the text in English.
"Calling Ascalonia".
"New orders, Come in 96, your time is up, you've been swanning around the planet for four years and now it is time to return home".
(Pearl, aside "but I don't want to go", Pickle aside, "We have to")
"We hear you and we will start packin'. We wanted to bring souvenirs such as the Parthenon but we couldn't get it in the ship. We will be ready to move in a few days, Out".

The big 400!

"Whoopee" It's time to celebrate. It's time to wave the flags, it's time to fire the rockets and shout 'hurrah". I can't believe that this is the four hundredth issue of Pickle and Pearl. They have been on this planet Earth for almost four years and I think that their masters are becoming a little impatient with the lack of progress shown by P.& P.. It may be time for a recall, the powers-that-be on Ascalonia have probably determined by now that the mission to Earth has cost too much and achieved so little. No word has yet been heard from Ascalonia but P.& P, are expecting it any day now. Their bags are packed in anticipation.
Special: LITTLE FLY upon the certificate/ You will never have time to replicate?/ For your time is nearly up/ You are heading for the last round up.

Black and White and green all over

I would surmise that some of my faithful readers will by now be sick of all the snow. Well, maybe not both of you but I thought you might appreciate a picture this week with no snow in it. In fact, the time is midsummer, don't you wish, but about forty years ago. I (the 'guide') had to do a bit of tarting up as the original picture is black and white which shows you how long ago it was. Actually I was inspired by watching "Midsomer Murders" on the box in which a conflict arises between a traditional black and white film photo. club and the yobbos who wave digitally altered photos around. (What am I saying, I have a digital camera!)